The Ugly Toe Saga

Okay, let's start off by saying that I am probably one of the most oblivious mothers out there. Ever since Maxwell could put his toe in his mouth there it was. He never needed a pacifier, he had his toe. He has been chewing on this particular toe since he was about 1 or so and developed a callous on it. The nail never grew quite right because he never let it. So after a while we decided to call it "the ugly toe". One day last summer I was having a pedicure and he was sitting there chewing on his ugly toe as he does and I made a comment about it to the nail girl. She takes one look at it and tells me that it is not a callous, as Jeff and I thought, but it was a wart. I about died! Here I am thinking it was a callous for 3 years now and it never dawned on me that it was a wart. Can we say "Eeewww!?!"

So in August we head off to the dermatologist. She looks and it and confirms that (1) I'm a complete moron, (2) it is definitely one of the biggest toe warts she has seen on a child and (3) she is very surprised that Max did not have warts in his mouth from chewing on it. Yuck!!!! So treatment begins. First we tried the simple stuff...some ointment twice a day. Nothing. Then we try something stronger...super strength Compound W stuff. Nothing. Next we try trimming off the top layer of wart. Nothing except a little blood. Now she takes off her kid gloves and brings out the big freeze ray gun. Nothing. Well that is except Maxwell screaming his head off. Poor guy! And the best (or worst) part from freezing it? It spread! Now we have three little warts and one humongous ugly toe wart with a valley in it. Each side of it could do battle now!

We at least had some comic relief in the office while waiting. I think the ointments made Maxwell's head grow or the freeze ray gun did. Either way I laugh hysterically whenever I see this photo. Reminds me of The Twilight Zone episode "To Serve Man". This magnifying glass made going to the dermatologist bearable.

So after Jeff passed and so did our insurance, I decided to save money and try a home remedy. Duct tape. Let me tell you...this stuff fixes everything! Besides the fact that you can make wallets, push-up bras, prom dresses and tuxedos out of this wonderful product...it also removes warts! Yes! It's true! After a week of suffocating the wart and it's little friends that decided to pop up on other toes and fingers, the wart is gone! Yay! The ugly toe is now called "Mr. Clean". Thankfully the wart did not spread to Maxwell's mouth. That could have been fatal.